Taunting Elves
by Oboebyrd
Summary: Singing swords, bumps on the head, and faulty maps- what could be better? A plot, maybe...
1. A whole prolog of paradox...

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. Deep Sigh Or Legolas. Deeper sigh In fact, I own anything related to Lord of the Rings except a few of these action figures I got at Toys 'R' Us… Covets them So please don't sue me, as it would only be a waste of time, seeing as all I have is… Looks in pocket 12 bucks.

Summary: Leggy-bashing, trite jokes, and paradoxes that make sense in a twisted sort of way. My first attempt at 'funny' LOTR fics, so be gentle… Give it a chance, 'cause it starts out all flowery and that sort of nonsense.. but I can't get far without that sort of stuff. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The sun, she, the beacon of light, burned brightly in the cerulean blue sky. Wisps of clouds drifted, silk-like, over the sky.

A light breeze danced over the grass and playfully stirred the emerald leaves of the canopy. Dew drops, glistening in the glorious light of the sun, waltzed along the length of the stately branches, before reaching the end of the leaves. There, they seemed to hang for one moment of eternity, sparkling like a diamond, like the light of a thousand stars, before falling away from their perch, landing with gentle splashes on the ground.

Life beat from every inch of the sparkling forest, from every blade of grass, every tree, every grain of sand. And the beasts and birds felt this energy, and reveled in it.

Bright finches, their plumage a dash of fire among the woods, red and yellow, orange and white, sang musically in the trees, the fluttering of their wings and chortling of their songs rising over the leaves like a light breeze. A deer, auburn, eyes brown, liquid, overflowing with love, nibbled on the corner of the luscious green grass, then sprung away, graceful and lithe as a dancer.

Legolas Greenleaf stepped out among the trees. The golden sunlight fell through the regal trees, casting kaleidoscope images upon the grass and the Elf's flaxen hair.

  
Legolas smiled, and a light leapt in his glowing green eyes. The world was beautiful.

~~~~~~

Back in the real world-

A storm, which had been threatening to break all morning, had finally sprung upon the forest with all the stealth of a bulldozer. Lightning struck and hissed in the air, thunder rumbled ominously. The wind, nay, not a wind but a gale, roared threw the woods, which had previously been a battle field, and by the sounds of Orc's guttural shouting and the sharp clang of metal against metal, still was.

Clouds roiled over the sky, obscuring the wan sun with their inky darkness. The cries and screams of the combatants below were drowned out by the elemental storm, which clashed with itself in the air, beating itself about in the sky, like two dragons embroiled in a deadly combat.

And the roaring of the wind and thunder seemed, for moment that stretched for an eternity, to reach that stunning destruction. Then, it began to slacken, for no monstrous deluge could last that long without retreating for fortification.

The Orcs were also being beaten back.

Merry and Pippin crawled over towards Legolas, who was laid out on the ground after being clubbed, rather hard, by a particularly resourceful Orc who had gotten hold of a tree branch. The two Hobbits peered down at their companion, who had a smile of pure delight on his fair Elfish face.

The two traded glances. Finally, Merry spoke up. "Uhm… you want to wake him, or shall I?" 

~~~~

((Oboebyrd: Insanity coming later. I promise. Just flexing my stiff literary muscles, I guess…)) 


	2. No, the maniacal laughter is not normal....

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: While sobbing I don't own Lord of the Rings! There! I said it now! Are you happy?!!?! Sniffles I do, however, own this! Holds up a piece of a paper and waggles it threateningly Mine! Mine! ALL MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! Runs off. 

Summary: Maca-maca-maca-roon… which has NOTHING to do with the story, thank God! But you'll just have to read to find out why I now said… "Oops… sorry about that arrow, there…"

BTW, thank you to all who reviewed! ::Hugs and kisses to all:: I've never had somebody review a first chapter! I'm all full of warm fuzzies! I haven't felt like this since… since… ::Sobs and squeezes a kind reviewer until their eyes pop out:: Oops! Ah… I'll pay for that… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas was NOT pleased to have been woken up from his pleasant, forest-filled dream, especially as his head was throbbing like a large tympani. In fact, he could now distinguish two separate notes… no wait… four… wow! He had all four drums going at once!

Merry looked at Pippin. Pippin looked at Merry. Legolas was staring at no one in particular. The pleased smile had plastered itself all over his face once again.

"Suppose he got hit AWFULLY hard…" Merry said sagely. 

Pippin nodded vigorously. "Or else he's drunk again."

As the fight was slowly winding down, others were able to come to Merry and Pippin's aid. Unfortunately, not even Aragorn snapping his fingers in Legolas's face or Boromir shaking him violently (For awhile, until Aragorn noted the cracking noise was not, in fact, natural) seemed to be able to shake the Elf from his stupor. 

"Maybe he has a concussion." Frodo said, stating the one thing the rest of the company should have figured out a long time before.

"I told you," Aragorn said triumphantly to Boromir, "Cracking noise? Not natural."

Boromir muttered something that was, luckily, not caught by the other man, as he was too busy checking his pack for herbs.

Legolas was still smiling. He now had a whole symphonic orchestra playing in his head! Just for him! 

The smile became a little lopsided and deranged. 

Sam, who had been watching the Elf, had not failed to notice that. "Uhm…" He began. 

The Hobbit looked over at the rest of the Company, who was arguing over what was better to use for headaches… Shilft paw or Excedrin? Gimli was repeatedly suggesting different types of poisonous herbs. Frodo was patiently trying to explain that headaches and concussions were, not, in fact, one and the same.

Legolas was now staring at Sam with a most disturbing look on his face. Sam cringed. He couldn't exactly place the stare, but he knew it wasn't leading towards something good. "Uhm…" He said, a little louder this time.

Sometimes, when one feels an absolute panic, they rise to the occasion. Their hearts and souls strengthen. Minds held down by chains of cowardice are sheered aside by sudden and unexpected moments of bravery so intense that even the brightest stars are paled alongside them.

This was not one of those times. As when Legolas began laughing insanely, Sam let out a yelp and scrambled backwards, as far away from the cackling Elf as he could get without actually leaving the camp.

"Oh, good… he's conscious." Gimli said.

  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!" Said Legolas.

"Are you sure?" Aragorn whispered. He wasn't sure why he was whispering. But in the presence of complete psychopaths, one often feels it necessary not to make any sudden, loud movements. 

"Well… his eyes are open…" Gimli said doubtfully.

That, of course, meant nothing, seeing as Elves usually had their eyes open, for one reason or another. But, watching Legolas laugh insanely was rather disturbing, and nobody wanted to think that he was sleep-guffawing. 

Cautiously, the company approached Legolas, really quite worried about what he might do if he decided to become as dangerous than he sounded. After all, he DID still have his weapons…

"Are you okay, Legolas?" Aragorn asked.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!"

"His throat's doing just fine…" Merry noted, rubbing one sore ear.

At this point, one might wonder just what was going on inside that pretty, crazy little head of the Elf. We would wonder, wouldn't we? But alas, this knowledge is not to be. But let's just say; it's pretty darn disturbing, and involves more than one pink fuzzy cow.

After a few minutes of gentle coaxing and a few mad dashes for the bushes, the company had finally gotten their crazy little Elf to stop laughing maniacally. Every once in awhile, he would chuckle, but the disturbing blank stare had mostly returned.

After what had happened to Sam, there was a unanimous vote to elect a new water-of-Legolas. Since Boromir claimed to have used up too much of his energy shaking Legolas, and Aragorn claimed to have used up too much of his energy telling Boromir to stop shaking Legolas, it was given to Gimli, as no one really dared to trust the Hobbits with watching a mental patient ever again.

So, it was that night that saw Gimli sitting next to a giggling Legolas. He tugged his beard nervously. He didn't like sitting next to psychotic Elves. The Dwarf had just gotten used to the idea of sitting next to normal Elves. Psychotic Elves was a whole other dish. He had never even thought of putting up with psychotic Elves. It was just… beyond comprehension.

Gimli was so deep in meditation that he didn't notice Legolas had cut off most of his beard until he realized he had an unusual breeze on his chin.

The Dwarf looked at his severed beard, looked over at Legolas, who was grinning like a stoned squirrel, and let out an ear-piercing scream.


	3. Haldir is an Elf

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Just my beaaautiful piece of paper… it was sneezed on by a man who touched the hand of the person who delivered Tolkien's mail, you know… very valuable… though one might not want to touch it, due to the festering diseases all over it… It's been sitting for a very long time…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ear-piercing scream, of course, woke up everyone in the camp. In fact, it woke up everyone in the entire 300 mile radius. But that's not important. THIS is…

…being that Gimli was now alternating between sobbing over his severed beard and threatening Legolas with his ax. As Legolas was higher then a kite in a wind storm, it had no effect whatsoever. 

  
"I'm sure he didn't mean to…" Aragorn said, patting the Dwarf on the back consolingly.

"Mmhemmwaamywaaabeeaaard!" Gimli sobbed.

He then tried to put his ax in Legolas's skull.

After that little incident, the company decided to move the two to opposite sides of the camp. There was general chaos, as the company tried their damnedest to figure out how to tend to Gimli's emotional scarring, how to get Legolas's mind back in it's normal place (Hovering somewhere near his body, at least) and how to fight off the dozens of Orcs that they were certain were now storming in this area.

Just then, Haldir came striding in.

As always, the Lorien Elf had a haughty look of superiority of his face. He strode up to where the Company stood. They stared in surprise. Gimli sniffled.

"What brings you here, Haldir?" Aragorn asked after a long pause, almost certain that Haldir arrived to make his life more difficult than it already was.

Haldir drew himself up to his full height, face brimming with disdain. "I," He began, then paused. A confused look clouded his face. "… have no clue, actually."

"No clue at all?" Aragorn asked, now certain that Haldir was, in fact, here to ruin his life.

"Nope," Haldir said, shrugging his shoulders as if randomly traveling halfway across Middle Earth was no big deal. He then noticed Legolas. "What's wrong with him?" Haldir asked, pointing towards the gibbering Elf in his little corner of the camp.

Gimli began sobbing again.

"Oh. Him." Aragorn said, as if he had, in fact, just noticed that the Elf was still there.

"He got hit on the head awfully hard." Merry told their new arrival.

"Bee rather edgy for awhile, now." Pippin added helpfully.

Haldir looked grim. "This is very serious. Very serious indeed."

"No kidding?" Gimli the beardless Dwarf said sarcastically. He tried to tug on his beard, but found that there wasn't much left to tug, and instead just pinched his chin. He resumed sobbing.

Haldir stared at Gimli as if he had seen him for the first time. He shook his head, and artfully reoriented. "Yes." He said sternly.

"Well… why? Other than the obvious reasons, I mean." Frodo asked, breaking his long, sullen silence.

Haldir looked eve grimmer, if that was possible. The Hobbits quailed, as they were nearest the odd Elven Captain. "You would not understand." He said darkly.

The Company traded confused glances. Haldir stood importantly by. Legolas began giggling insanely. 

"Okay…" Boromir said, after a long pause in which Legolas' giggles became more and more disturbing, "It's very serious. We believe you. But… do you know any way to shut him up?" The man asked, jabbing a thumb in Legolas' direction.

Haldir was inexplicably becoming spooky and mysterious again. "There is one way, but I dare not try it."

"Why?" Pippin asked brightly.

Haldir looked down at the little Hobbit. "Because," He said, drawing himself up to his full, substantial height, "It entails a great danger for all, and the very action of this cure may have deadly consequences."

Unseen Violins came to a triumphant climax. A unseen light shone from behind Haldir instead of from him, casting the entire camp in an eerie, flickering light. The Violins tremoloed ceaselessly. 

"Haldir! Your cloak is on fire!"

The company watched, unimpressed, as the Lorien Elf screamed and rolled around on the ground.

After a moment, Haldir collected himself. He tried to regain some of his earlier charisma, but failed miserably, as some smoke was still billowing from his cloak. Not to mention he was covered in mud, sticks, and leaves. Haldir cleared his throat. "Where was I?"

"Agreeing to help Legolas." Aragorn lied.

"Y- no! Evil human." Haldir said in disgust. "I believe I was preparing to run away."

"Don't you want to help Legolas? He is an Elf, just like you." Sam said sensibly.

Haldir shot Sam a withering look. "I am aware I'm an Elf, thank you." He paused, and looked over at Legolas, who was killing Gimli's bedding. He smirked.

Gimli turned, and let out a horrified scream- his second- a new Dwarvish record.

"Perhaps I'll stick around after all," Haldir said.

A large portion of the Company groaned.


	4. Scream if you need me...

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: I don't own anything! Not even my piece of paper anymore! After that last post, the guys from some disease center or something came and took away my piece of paper… ::Sobs:: THEY'RE YOURS, TOLKIEN! Or whoever owns them now, as I have heard rumours that Tolkiens is no longer among us… ::Bows head:: (Of course, we, meaning I, don't believe that, as we, meaning I, have had no contact outside of Michiganders all of her sad little life…) Anyway, despite the fact I'm a Michigander, I own nothing.

((Sorry this is so short, folks!))

~~~~~~~~~~

Despite the Company's less than enthusiastic reply towards Haldir's announcement that he would stay, the Lorien Elf stuck around.

The first thing he did, predictably, was to make Aragorn's life miserable. "I knew this would happen." Aragorn mumbled to Boromir.

Boromir nodded sympathetically. "It could be worse." He said.

"You're right. It could. And now it WILL be." The future King grumbled.

He received only a shrug and a mumbled apology to that, and then Boromir walked away, leaving Aragorn all alone with Haldir who had, of course, heard every word the two had said. He proceeded to glare venomously at the human.

Aragorn squirmed. He hated it when Elves glared at him like that. Arwen did it, sometimes, and whenever she did, he just felt like he might as well crawl into a hole and beat himself over the head with a rock, as his life wasn't going to be going on for much longer, anyway. 

It didn't have quite the same effect when Haldir used it, though, because Aragorn was not pleased with Haldir's presence and saw no reason why it should continue longer than it had to. Haldir was equally displeased with Aragorn's presence and was asking himself repeatedly why he had wanted to stay in the first place. 

Legolas went hopping past, apparently now pretending to be a bunny.

About five feet and five seconds behind Legolas came Frodo, who had been assigned to 'Elf-watching' that day. "Stop hopping Legolas! You'll only aggravate your condition!" Frodo called.

He was, in fact, rather disgusted with the attitude the entire company had taken, and was seriously considering just taking off by himself. Regardless of if he would walk right into Sauron's claws. At least he'd be away from…

"Eep!" Frodo yelped, and turned and ran in the opposite direction as Legolas unexpectedly decided to play 'it'. 

Normally, Frodo wouldn't be so frightened of the Elf, but the fact that Legolas was laughing maniacally and had a bow and arrow as well as two daggers and about two feet on him made the Hobbit reconsider. 

As everyone else was tied up in their own petty problems, they paid no attention to the fleeing Hobbit. Even Sam wasn't watching Mr. Frodo.

Frodo dove behind Aragorn. "Help!" He squealed.

Aragorn was pleased- this was an excuse not to notice Haldir's presence. "What's wrong?" He asked.

Frodo pointed at Legolas with one shaking finger, his huge blue eyes expanding to twice they're normal size. Aragorn looked over at Legolas, who was waiting patiently for Frodo to get out of striking distance of Aragorn. 

"Now, Legolas…" Aragorn began sternly.

This had a totally unforeseen effect. The blonde Elf yelped, turned around, and tripped over Haldir while running at full steam.

Then, he ran into a tree.

While Frodo peered at Haldir, who was laying flat on his back on the ground, Legolas stood shakily up. "Whoa…" The blonde Elf paused, and shook his head, blinking owlishly several times. 

"Feeling better, Legolas?" Haldir asked, very sarcastically, from the ground.

"Oh yes, much, thank you." Legolas said with a grin.

Haldir jumped up and chased the other Elf from the clearing, waving a newly acquired sword quite threateningly.

The remaining members of the Company traded confused glances. "Am I to take it that running Legolas head-long into a tree was Haldir's mystery cure?" Boromir asked, very quietly.

Aragorn nodded. "It appears so." He said, with a complete lack of enthusiasm.

"Haldir won't… kill Legolas, will he?" Frodo asked nervously, his huge blue eyes spinning with concern.

There was a high-pitched scream from somewhere deep in the forest. 

"You wouldn't miss him, would you?" Gimli asked, pinching his chin once again.

~~~~ Elsewhere, on the prairie ~~~~

A large host of Orcs were making their way in the direction of the blood-curdling screams they had heard earlier. They were dragging their feet and grumbling as they tried to 'look alive' when the Captains came charging past.

After all, the last one who hadn't 'looked alive' had ended up looking quite dead. And as effective of an escape as that was, none of the Orcs were really looking forward to it.

"How much further?" One Orcish Captain whined to another.

"Who knows? We haven't even heard any other screams. We probably passed them a long while ago. Good riddance." His companion snarled, not at all pleased to have been dragged away from Gruel Place's 'All you Can Kill' special. Especially not on his wives' anniversary! Boy, was she going to kill him when he got back…

"Wait! Who're they?" The first Captain exclaimed, pointing towards two Elves, who were beating each other senseless.

The Orcs slowly approached the two.

Haldir looked up from grinding Legolas's face into the dirt. "Uhm… Legolas?"

"Mmph?" 

"I think we may be in a bit of a bind, here…" 

Haldir was always good at understatement. They were, now, surrounded by no less than thirty well-armed, blood-thirsty Orcs.


	5. Music and the Mind- BAD IDEA!!!

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Well… the people at the Disease Center felt so bad that they gave me back my piece of paper! So, once again, all I own is the piece of paper. And 'Gruel's Place'. But at least I have my paper, 'cause I feel so bad about not owning any of these characters… Huggles her disease-ridden slice of mulched wood. Whoa… ugh… I feel kind of… Falls over. X_X

~~~~~~~~

When we last left our heroes, they were completely surrounded by Orcs. Neither of them was really in the state for any sort of battle, as they had pretty much just beaten the tar out of each other.

As much as they would have loved to fight back, the Orcish Captain's threats to disembowel them proved effective. 

--

"Too bad I only have one little dinky sword…" Haldir said.

"Hey- isn't that Anduril?" Legolas asked.

Haldir grinned. "He won't mind that I bothered it to try and kill you, will he?"

Legolas shrugged. "Isn't it kind of weird that the Orcs didn't take away our weapons?"

"It IS rather odd…" Haldir agreed. 

  
The two Elves were slung over the backs of two separate Orcs, and were being carried along. There was no reason for this, except when they had tried to let them walk, they had killed a few of the Orcs and tried to get away.

"This is all your fault." Legolas said to Haldir, after a moment, with a frown. 

"My fault?" Haldir spluttered. The Orc carrying him jumped over a log, thus bashing the Elf's head on the tree branch above him. "Ow! Do you mind?" 

"Yes, your fault." The archer continued, ignoring the fact that the platoon of Orcs had just stopped to begin strangling his companion. "You were, after all, the one that had chased me out of the clearing and tried to beat in my face…"

Haldir could come up with no answer to that, as he was suffering from a lack of air.

A few minutes later, the platoon moved on, dragging Haldir, who was glaring at no one in particular and had even more Orcish blood on his… er, Aragorn's… sword.

--

"So nice of them to leave a trail of bread crumbs…" Aragorn said, as he and the rest of the company walked around yet another dead Orc or two.

He was furious. He had never been so angry in his mortal life. That little blonde weasel took his sword! And he had to go get ABDUCTED with it! Haldir was never going to hear the end of THAT… when Aragorn got his hands on him… or better yet… his sword on him…

The remaining Fellowship took one look at the maniacal, evil grin on Aragorn's face and edged away.

They passed three more dead Orcs.

--

"Told you." Haldir grumbled to Legolas. 

The two Elves had allowed the Orcs to continue to drag them onwards until their continually dwindling number dropped only to three or four Orcs. When the beasts realized this, they had made for the hills, as both Elves still had their weapons (Or somebody else's, at least) and weren't tired from carrying someone else halfway across the country. 

Legolas grinned at Haldir. "Yes. You were right."

Haldir beamed. "I know."

"Don't let it go to your head. Come on- let's head back." Legolas slung his bow back over his shoulder, and started to move on. Haldir stopped him.

"We still haven't settled this." He said, his voice dark with annoyance.

  
"We haven't?" Legolas replied, looking disappointed. He had hoped that Haldir would forget all about their earlier squabble- whatever it had been about- and they could return to the campsite and get the big, dangerous sword out of Haldir's hands.

"We haven't." Haldir agreed.

"We haven't?" Legolas asked again, confused.

"We haven't." Haldir repeated.

"We really actually truly haven't?" Legolas demanded.

"We really actually truly haven't." Haldir said.

"We-"

"Listen, will you please just shut up?" 

Legolas thought about that for a minute. "Well- only if you promise not to stab me."

Haldir nodded. "It is agreed. Now come here, and I will slice off all your limbs-"

Aragorn came storming into the clearing. "GIVE ME MY SWORD!" He roared.

Legolas wiped a bead of imaginary sweat off of his forehead. The rest of the Fellowship watched as Aragorn chased Haldir from the clearing.

There was a high-pitched scream of fright, and Aragorn came racing back into the clearing. Haldir was waving the future king's sword in the air and screaming a battle-cry of disturbing proportions.

Things could have turned ugly there, if Anduril had not chosen that exact moment to start singing.

"I love you, you love me…" Anduril sang in a provocative, husky tenor.

"Eep!" Haldir said in a most dignified manner, dropped the singing sword, and ran out of the clearing.

Aragorn stealthily approached his weapon, who was still singing happily. "We're a happy family…"

The rest of the Fellowship began backing away, trading glances. "I feel… I feel the pull of the song… the subtle allure…" Boromir said, looking slightly horrified.

Frodo grumbled something under his breath. It was lucky that Boromir did not hear it. Thus, it shall not be printed here, in case he ever gets a hold of a computer…

Much to Frodo's dismay, he saw that the rest of the Fellowship was agreeing with the Gondor knight. They began to hum and sway from side to side in time with Anduril's song. Aragorn was ignoring them all, and desperately trying to gather up enough courage to pick up a singing sword.

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…" Anduril began singing again.

Aragorn finally picked up his sword. Anduril continued humming, sounding much more cheerful than a sword blade really should. With a triumphant look on his face, Aragorn turned to the rest of the Fellowship.

They were holding hands in a big circle around him, swaying back and forth in time to the music. Gimli was crying. "It's so beautiful! So beautiful!" He sobbed.

"Don't cry!" Merry exclaimed. "Just sing!"

"I love you, you love me…" The entire Fellowship began to sing, except for Frodo, who was standing outside the circle looking downcast and disgusted, and Aragorn, who was wondering how one could gag a sword.

Suddenly, Anduril changed her tune.

"I hate you, you hate me,

We're a dysfunctional family,

With a kick in the shin

And a knife in the head,

Don't you wish we all were dead?"

Aragorn stared at his sword. He then looked up at the rest of the Fellowship. They were all fighting. 

"What are you doing?" Aragorn shouted, more disturbed by this than their earlier 'circle of love.'

He got no answer. Frodo shrugged helplessly and ducked behind a tree as a weapon of uncertain origin came flying out of the fighting going on around him.

Aragorn looked at his sword. "What are you doing?" He demanded.

"Sorry. Just a little mischievous, I guess." Anduril said, and giggled.

Aragorn looked up in time to get boxed right between the eyes. 

~~~~

Oboebyrd: Okay, it wasn't that funny- but I had to break my writer's block! Please forgive. ^_^


	6. Is it pinecone or Pine Cone?

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Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Whoa- has anyone except me noticed that I'm a hypocrite about the whole 'summary' thing? Never mind. Anyway, after the hospital staff brought me back from the edge of death from the diseases in that piece of paper, they took it from me and burned it. So, I really do own NOTHING. Nothing at all. 

Really.

Thanks to all who reviewed!

~~~~~~~

"This is wrong. Very wrong." Frodo said. He peered down at Aragorn, who was out cold on the ground because Sam had just punched him. He looked over at Sam. "Very, very, very wrong…"

Sam wrung his hands together. "I'm sorry, Mr. Baggins! I just got a little excited back there, and…"

Frodo shook his head. "No… I mean the fact that you could knock Aragorn out at all…"

"Oh."

"Do you suppose he'll be all crazy when he wakes up like Legolas was?" Merry asked nervously, shooting a glance over at Legolas, who was strangling and being strangled by Gimli. "Hey! You guys! We stopped fighting in an altruistic attempt to help Aragorn!"

That surprised the Elf and Dwarf so much that they stopped what they were doing and walked over to see what was wrong with Aragorn.

"He's out cold." Legolas announced after a moment of peering at the man.

  
"Thank you, doctor Elf!" Boromir exclaimed sarcastically. "We REALLY couldn't have figured that out on our own…"

"Really?" Legolas asked, rubbing his chin. "You humans and Hobbits are dumber than I thought- Eep!" He ran away. Boromir charged after him. 

Gimli the beardless Dwarf pushed the Hobbits to one side to investigate the fallen warrior. "Let me do this, boys- never send a human to do a Dwarves job! We are the finest healers, you know…"

The four Hobbits traded incredulous glances. Luckily for them, the Dwarf didn't notice, as he was busy pulling random Herbs out of Aragorn's pack. "Let's see… some of this… black stuff… and some of these little red flowers… and some of that… what color is that?"

Sam peered over his shoulder. "Oh, I'd say… a kind of brownish orangish."

"Don't you know what those things are?" Frodo asked, as Gimli gathered all of the herbs together and began grinding them up in a bowl he had mysteriously procured. 

"Of course!" Gimli said gruffly, obviously annoyed at the Hobbits' persistent questions. "I just have to grind these up into a powdery- no, wait… into a slimy paste, then rub it on the… no… maybe we pour it down his throat? Or insert it anally?"

"Strider's going to die, isn't he, Merry?" Pippin asked mournfully.

Merry nodded. "I'm afraid so, Pip…"

"He is NOT going to die! We Dwarves are master healers! Glean all our information from our long-grown beards." Said the Dwarf.

The Hobbits traded glances. "But you don't HAVE a beard any more!" Pippin protested.

With that, Gimli sat down on the ground and began crying again. "WAAAAAAMY BEARD! WAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"Good going, Pippin." Merry muttered, elbowing Pippin in the side.

Pippin looked downcast. Frodo and Sam traded glances. Merry glared at Pippin. Gimli continued crying.

Boromir came walking back into the clearing with a pinecone wedged firmly in his skull. He looked upset.

"What happened to you, Boromir?" Frodo asked, hoping an interruption would have been less troubling than pinecones.

"Oh… that blasted Elf ran up a tree and threw a pine cone at me." Boromir said nonchalantly. "Then he called me 'Stinky'…" With that, Boromir also sat down and began crying.

The four Hobbits once again traded glances. Sam added, quietly, "Well… aren't you concerned about that pinecone in your head?" 

"Pine cone in my…" Boromir repeated. He reached up, and felt the pinecone. "AAAUUGGHH!!! THERE'S A PINE CONE IN MY HEAD!" In one fluid movement, the steward was on his feet, and was dancing and screaming and jumping around.

Luckily, that didn't last long, as he tripped over the still-bawling Gimli and knocked himself out on a conveniently placed rock. 

The four Hobbits traded yet another Glance. "Why are tall people so weird?" Frodo wondered.

"Who knows? It might be because blood has such a hard time traveling all that distance to get to their brain…" Merry suggested.

  
"They didn't get enough oxygen as children?" Pippin added.

Sam edged over to the edge of the bowl of ground herbs which Gimli had deserted. It was boiling, though it was obviously not hot, and small purple bubbles were escaping the mixture and floating upwards to stick on leaves and burn holes through them. The actual mixture was green.

"Do we… ah… give this to Aragorn?" Sam asked. 

Frodo, Merry, and Pippin came over to surround the bowl. Frodo stuck a leaf in the mixture. "I don't know, it doesn't look very…"  
  
The leaf set on fire, and exploded in a blast of blue and white light.

"…Safe." Frodo finished. 

He looked up. The other Hobbits were staring with amazement at the mixture. "Let's stick some more stuff in there!" Pippin exclaimed.

The Hobbits all ran to get various objects to dunk in the mixture. They watched in delight as it exploded. Pippin dunked in a rolled up piece of paper, which also exploded.

Merry watched as a piece of the Shire floated past them. The 'ir', to be exact. "Pip... what did you just stick in there?" He asked calmly.

"Some random piece of paper." Pippin said, innocently dunking another twig.

"Was the random piece of paper rolled up inside of Aragorn's pack?" Merry asked. Frodo and Sam stopped their dunking to stare at Pippin, who remained oblivious.

"Well- yeah." Pippin said with a smile. "Why?"

"Was the random piece of paper THE MAP!?!" Merry screamed.

A horrified look slowly crossed Pippin's face. 

"YOU BURNED THE MAP!?!?!?!" Frodo, Merry and Sam screamed in unison.

"WHAT?" Aragorn exclaimed, leaping to his feet.

"Aragorn! You're awake!" Pippin exclaimed, running over to hide behind the newly-awoken Ranger. "I'm so glad!"

"Who burned what?" Aragorn demanded, looking around. "My herbs! My mixing bowl! What's in it?"

At that exact moment, the mixture ceased defying the laws of chemistry and ate through the bowl. It began burning a hole in the ground. "MY PRECIOUS BOWL!" Aragorn screamed. "Who made that mixture? SAM!"

"It wasn't me!" Sam exclaimed. "It was-"

"DON'T TRY TO PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME!" Aragorn screamed.

"He seems to have gotten better…" Merry whispered to Pippin.

The man drew his sword. Anduril immediately broke into song. 

"May it be an evening star,

Shines down upon you

May it be when darkness falls,

Your heart will be- ack!"

Aragorn had hastily shoved his sword back into its sheath. He had forgotten about that…

Sam crept away. Frodo began poking Gimli with a stick. Merry and Pippin were rifling through Boromir's pack. "I found one!" Merry exclaimed. The two Hobbits raced into the bushes.

Aragorn approached Frodo. "What the heck's wrong with the Fellowship?" He asked, very calmly.

"I dunno. But Pippin burned up the map… not Sam." Frodo replied, poking Gimli in the nose. The Dwarf just sniffled and resumed rocking.

"PIPPIN BURNED THE MAP!?!" Aragorn shrieked.

There was a muttered 'eep!' from the bushes, and the sound of rustling leaves. By the time Aragorn got there, however, both Hobbits were long gone. 

"Oh well." Aragorn said calmly. "Good riddance."

"Though now we don't know where to go." Frodo added. 

"Right. To your feet, Boromir, Gimli. We must move on." Aragorn said.

Gimli stood up, still sniffling. Boromir was still out like a light. "Why does he have a pinecone in his head?" Aragorn asked. "And where's Legolas?"

~~~

Legolas was not too far away. He had a copy of 'The Fellowship of the Ring' in one hand, and a large black marker in the other. The Elf laughed evilly, made a few black marks, the quickly raced off into the trees.

Chase him with a sword, would he? Pull his hair and throw daggers at him, would he? Well… he would show him. There was a whole him which he would be seeing if he had anything to say about him. And the him and the he were being rather involved with one he would do to him if him didn't get his hands on he first…

Legolas fell out of the tree.

~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: Huh? Did something happen there? The rewriting of the story begins- now!


	7. More Elves- it's like a curse...

****

Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Blood waste of time… I managed to REALLY screw up the posting of chapters… so my beaaaaautiful disclaimer is lost! You guys have probably noticed how I have to strange fascination with disclaimers right? RIGHT?!? IT WAS RUINED! RUINED!

Oh well. I don't own them, never well, and if I did, then… well… ::Sits back, images of basically every male Elf swimming through her head::  
  
::Cackles evilly::

~~~~~~~~~

Merry and Pippin ran through the woods. "You've really done it this time, Pippin!" Merry exclaimed, exasperated.

"I'm sorry!" Pippin yelped, stumbling over a tree branch.

The two Hobbits raced on. Just then, an Elf landed on them.

"Ow!" Pippin cried out.

"Ow!" Merry cried out.

"He him her!" Legolas cried out.

"Huh?" Both Hobbits said in unison.

Legolas stood up, brushing himself off. "Never mind. Pronouns are a waste of time, anyway."

The two Hobbits traded glances once again. Quite truthfully, they had no idea what Legolas was talking about. But they were used to that. They were just a little worried- Was Aragorn chasing them? Would he catch up to them if they delayed here? Would Legolas try to kill them with a pine cone? Or perhaps a pinecone?

No. But it was much, much worse.

"The story is flawed." Legolas said, and bent down in front of the Hobbits, laying a thin hand on either of their shoulders. "I need your help to correct it."

"Uh…" Merry said intelligently.

"Uhm…" Pippin agreed with his friend.

"This is a mission of great importance!" Legolas exclaimed. "If we fail, the entire universe will be at stake!"

"What's 'universe'?" Pippin asked Merry.

"I think he means all of Middle Earth, Pip." Merry noted.

"Oh." Pippin said.

"Will you help me?" Legolas asked, ignoring most of what was going on in front of him.

The two Hobbits traded half a glance, because Pippin wasn't looking at Merry when he said, "Sure!"

"Pip!" Merry protested.

But it was too late.

"Come, my friends!" Legolas exclaimed, leaping to his feet. "We shall save the Universe!" He ran away down the path.

Merry and Pippin followed at a slower rate. "Do you figure he's all gooney again?" Pippin asked.

"That's not important. Just get out the thing…" Merry commanded.

"The thing?" Pippin repeated blankly.

"The thing from Boromir's pack, stupid!" Merry shouted.

"Come along, my little warriors!" Legolas called in a sing-song voice from in front of them.

The Hobbits traded glances and picked up their pace- just a little. Pippin pulled a bright neon orange disc about the size of a quarter from his pocket. "Here it is," He said, and handed it to Merry. "Though I really don't know what you want it for…"

Merry took it gingerly, and investigated it. Surprisingly enough, he did not immediately trip over something. Nor run into a tree. Pippin was so surprised that he tripped on a rock, lost his balance, and fell face-first in the dirt.

Meriadoc stopped to help him up. "Come on, Pippin! The savior of the Universe," That he said very sarcastically, "Is getting away from us!"

Pippin groaned something, rubbing his head. 

The three companions, Hobbits and Elf, raced away.

~~~~~~

Gimli had stopped crying, thankfully. Boromir had woken up only after Aragorn had callously pulled out the pinecone. Sam and Frodo were pretending they had no clue what was going on.

"If we move quickly, we may be able to get to Lothlorien by nightfall." Aragorn said.

"We were going towards Lorien?" Sam wondered aloud.

"Did we already go through there?" Frodo asked.

"Maybe it was just Haldir who came from there…"

"Are we even out of the Shire?" Both Hobbits asked in unison.

Aragorn groaned. He then looked panic-stricken. "I have no clue where we are! THE MAP IS GONE! WE'RE ALL LOST!"

Gimli cleared his throat, and pointed to a sign next to the clearing. It read:

Lorien: North, five miles

Mordor: East, two hundred and seventy-some miles.

Rohan: Where you are right now, stoopid! 

Shire: Like you'll ever get back THERE again…

The Fellowship of five traded glances.

Finally, Boromir ventured… "We're in Rohan?"

"How could Lorien be north when Haldir ventured hundreds of miles to find us before?" Sam asked, though everyone ignored him.

"You are far from Rohan, intruders!" A cheerfully ominous voice called from the nearby trees.

Aragorn turned, drawing his sword. "Who goes there?" He demanded.

"I am the guardian of this little woods! But only because they kicked me out of my earlier shot… damn them! Damn them all!" A soft sobbing floated out from the trees.

The Fellowship traded glances, and shrugged. They started to head off, but the voice, still racked with sobs, stopped them. "But I'd suggest staying there, as I have an arrow pointed at one of you…"

"Is it at that one?" Boromir asked, pointing at Sam.

There was a long pause, and then the unidentified voice said, in a surprised whisper, "Yes…"

"Then we don't care." Boromir and Gimli said at the same time, and walked away.

Sam hung his head. Frodo glared at the receding backs of Boromir and Gimli. Aragorn just shrugged. 

Frodo started towards the trees, being uncharacteristically brave. "Now listen, you! You can't go threatening us here! This is a public road!"

There was a long silence from the trees as Frodo approached them. Finally, a tall Elf jumped down from the trees. He had hair colored hair, eye-colored eyes, and looked basically unremarkable… unusual for an Elf.

"Who the heck are you?" Aragorn demanded, as he usually knew every Elf they encountered on the journey.'

The Elf hung his head. "You don't know who I am?" He asked in an incredibly small voice. "I'm Glorfindel! Glorfindel!"

"Glorfindel?" Gimli repeated, pronouncing the poor Elf's name with a 'gorf' sound, only adding an 'l' in there. "Never heard of you."

This provoked another onslaught of tearless sobs. "NOBODY HAS!" Glorfindel cried in despair, waving a bow, with arrow still notched and held taunt, about. The Fellowship dove for the ground. 

"Now… uh… Glorfindel…" Aragorn said, pronouncing the Elf's name correctly, "I'm sorry, but why would we know you?"

The distraught Elf bent down in front of Frodo. "I WAS GOING TO SAVE YOU!" He screamed. Frodo cringed and tried to edge away, but the Elf now had a hold of his shoulders. "I KNEW HOW TO MAKE THE WATERS TURN INTO HORSES! BUT ARWEN GOT IT! ARWEN!"

  
He stood up and shook his fist at the sky. "AAAAAAAARWEEENN!!!!"

Aragorn felt he had to say something then. But Boromir spoke up before he had the chance. "So… you didn't get to save Frodo. What's the big deal? Why would you want to save a green little Hobbit anyway?"  


"Hey!" Frodo protested. Boromir shrugged.

"You don't understand…" Glorfindel said in a slightly more subdued voice. "It's the principle…"

"Well…" Aragorn said, after a long pause in which Glorfindel buried his face in his hands and continued pseudo sobbing. "We… don't have… an Elf… in the Fellowship anymore… since ours ran away."

"No! Don't invite him in! Please god no! Not another Elf!" Gimli screamed.

"So… do you want to travel with us for awhile?" Aragorn offered, tentatively, hoping he wouldn't regret this later.

Glorfindel's eyes became the size and shape of ostrich eggs. They became brighter than they already were. "I… I… can join the Fellowship of the Ring?" He asked, a note of awe in his voice.

"How'd you know this was the Fellowship of the Ring?" Sam asked. Once again, he was ignored.

"Uh… sure…" Aragorn said. Mentally, of course, he was saying, "Aragorn, you moron, what the hell's wrong with you! He's just going to cause trouble! Next thing you know Haldir is going to come back and kill somebody and it's going to end up being your fault!"

Aragorn blinked, and looked around. Everyone was staring at him, including Glorfindel, whose eyes had only gotten larger and brighter.

Finally, very quietly, he asked, "I didn't say that out loud just now, did I?"

Everyone very slowly nodded.

"Well…" Aragorn said, his voice full of resignation, "I'll just… go sit down over there for awhile. We'll leave in a few minutes…" 

The small Fellowship nodded once again, very slowly.

Aragorn sat down and pulled out his sword, which began to sing a peppy tune.

~~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: There was a major spoiler in there… anybody catch it? ^_^


	8. The Orcs go marching one by one...

****

Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Wow… I own nothing… nothing at all relating with LOTR… I feel so horrible! MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING! Well… there is ONE special thing that makes my life worth continuing, despite it's obvious wretchedness… writing fanfiction. So, if you sue me for writing fanfiction, despite the fact I'm admitting I own nothing here… it just may push me over the edge…

…I'll become a lawyer…

;)

~~~~~~~~~

Legolas led Merry and Pippin a merry chase over hill, dale, tree branch, and more hill.

"Why can't we take a road to universal salvation?" Pippin whined.

Legolas stopped, turned, and confronted his blasphemous friend. "There is no road to righteousness, Peregrin! Nor a conveniently located bus terminal!"

He then ran on.

The two Hobbits traded confused glances once again. Normally, following a psychopathic Elf through a dangerous forest would have worried them. Right now, however, it seemed perfectly normal. At least they were escaping from Aragorn…

~~~~~

Which was good for them. 

Anduril finished the last stanza of the song, and Aragorn stood up, deciding that they were ready to go. "Except we still don't have a map." He said. "What about that road sign?"

"We've decided it's wrong." Frodo said, gesturing to himself and Sam.

"Ooookay. So, the map has been destroyed. The Elf has taken off with the Hobbits. The other Elf has shown up. The sign is wrong."

"Not ALL the Hobbits- Mr. Frodo and I are still here…" Sam noted.

"For which we are all very sorrowful, Samwise…" Boromir said tightly.

Sam hung his head. Frodo glared at Boromir, feeling more defensive for his friend as everyone was picking on him.

"So… where do we go now?" Glorfindel asked, bouncing happily from foot to foot, all of his earlier depression gone.

Aragorn shrugged. "I thought we were going over this… we're LOST." 

  
"I have a map!" Glorfindel exclaimed, producing a crayon-drawn version of Middle Earth from his pack. "Lady Galadriael made it for me." He said with a small, shy smile. "She said I was the best colorer in the class!"

There was a long pause, as Aragorn carefully accepted the map.

"I want Legolas back…" Boromir said after a moment.

Frodo and Sam nodded vigorously. 

Glorfindel smiled brightly. Aragorn slowly looked over the map. Gimli groaned and pinched his chin again. 

"Well… this should do, Glorfindel. Thanks." Aragorn said cautiously. He investigated it closer. "Is this little squiggle supposed to be the road?"

Glorfindel peered over Aragorn's shoulder. "Yup." 

"Okay… we go this way." Aragorn said. The Fellowship followed the future king as he walked down the path.

Glorfindel bounced along behind them. "Let's sing a song!" He suggested after a long moment.

The Fellowship marveled at how quickly Glorfindel had gone from being maniacally depressed to being more annoying than Pippin. "Uh… like what?" Aragorn asked, hoping he wouldn't regret it.

He did.

A few minutes later, everyone joined in, including Anduril…

"The Orcs go marching one by one,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching one by one,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching one by one,

A Goblin stopped to make sure the others would come,

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching two by two,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching two by two,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching two by two,

A Goblin stopped to tie his shoe,

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching three by three,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching three by three,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching three by three,

A Goblin stopped to in the bushes pee,

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching four by four,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching four by four,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching four by four,

All the way to Mordor,

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching five by five,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching five by five,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching five by five,

A Goblin stopped to rename his sword 'Clive'

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching six by six,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching six by six,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching six by six,

A Goblin stopped to gather fire-wood sticks,

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching seven by seven,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching seven by seven,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching seven by seven,

An Orc stole the Goblin's sword and named it 'Devon'

And they all go marching down…

The Orcs go marching eight by eight,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa…

The Orcs go marching eight by eight,

Boo-yaa, Boo-yaa,

The Orcs go marching eight by eight,

A Goblin stopped to mastur-"

"I think that's enough." Aragorn interrupted.

~~~

Meanwhile, not too far away, a horde of Orcs was working it's way under the forest canopy.

"I don't see why we have to keep on doing this… especially in the sun. It makes my skin all scaley." One Orc complained to another.

  
"And this fresh forest air prematurely wrinkles my face!" Another complained.

"Silence!" A third Orc bellowed. "I hear something…"

Voices filtered through the woods.

"Let's sing another song!"

"No, you will NOT pick another song…"

"What about Anduril? Why not pull her out?"

"Anduril is NOT a radio!"

"A what?"

"Never mind."

The Orcs traded glances, and grinned. All except for one, who already knew what would happen in the next chapter and wasn't too keen on his end…

~~~~

More mystery up ahead! What's the little neon button? What are Legolas's plans to save the Universe? Will Anduril ever stop singing? Who will Haldir kill!

All this in more, in the next chapter of… TAUNTING ELVES! (To be updated sometime in May… )

~~~~

Oboebyrd: Yah! Just kidding about May, of course…


	9. Mighty Glorfin' Power Rangers

****

Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: Hey… I found out something very interesting! It turns out, looking in the long line of my family's heritage- I am now the sole owner of the word 'May!' YES! Next time you say, 'this may be true'… you have to ask me permission! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

  
Or… no… I'll just let you use it whenever you want. Out of the goodness of my heart.

Anyway, besides the word 'may' and a pile of ash in the basement of the Disease Control Center, I own nothing!

((Warning: Contains major spoilers for the next two books, mainly because Legolas got his hands on a copy. If you haven't read the books yet, you might want to skip this chapter- it'll be explained in the next.))

~~~~~~~~

'I knew I should've signed up for Sauron-sponge-bath duty,' An unhappy Orc thought as Aragorn sliced off his head.

"This is all your fault!" Aragorn shouted at Glorfindel, who had take to the trees and shooting at Orcs from their foliage. 

"My fault?" Glorfindel spluttered. "How is this MY fault?"

"It was your stupid song!" Boromir exclaimed, cutting off the legs of a nearby Orc.

Despite the fact that Orcs surrounded the mini-Fellowship, they really seemed more concerned with yelling at their newly acquired Elf.

"My STUPID song?" Glorfindel repeated, sounding very annoyed. "I seem to recall you all singing along with me!"

"But we wouldn't have been singing if you hadn't brought it up!" Aragorn exclaimed, disemboweling an approaching Orc with unusually scaly skin.

"Sure, whatever, blame the Elf." Glorfindel muttered.

Frodo and Sam traded glances. "Let's just… go." Sam suggested.

  
Frodo shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

The two Hobbits walked calmly away.

"Bye, Gimli." Sam said, as they walked past the Dwarf, who was experimenting with new and exciting ax-usage. 

"Bye, Hobbits! Be careful out there!" Gimli called.

They walked down the path. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Legolas was not too pleased with the two Hobbits he was leading to save the world. "Come on, little Hobbits!" He exclaimed. "We've only gotten… oh… fifteen leagues in by now! If you think that's acceptable for a one-day run, you're dead wrong!"

Merry and Pippin stumbled up behind Legolas. "My feet are bleeding…" Pippin gasped, and collapsed on the ground.

Merry sat down. "Can't we rest for tonight? Please?" He begged. "And maybe get some water?"

"Ooooh, I suppose you'd rather be abducted by Orcs, would you?" Legolas asked sarcastically. "And carried on their backs on the way to a violent battle in which they're all killed and you end up talking to giant trees and smoking pipeweed underneath a huge tower, do you?"

Merry and Pippin traded glances, before finally saying, "Well… the pipeweed part, yeah…" Pippin offered.

"It sounds like he's been talking to a few trees as well…" Merry muttered.

  
"I heard that, fool of a Took." Legolas said darkly.

"I'M the fool of a Took!" Pippin protested.

Legolas blinked, and looked at the two again. "Oh yeah, sorry. I can never tell you two apart." 

Merry and Pippin glowered at the Elf. Legolas's eyes widened. "Well, SORRY!"

"Okay…" Merry began, figuring they had best steer this conversation somewhere else, "Why, exactly, do you think that we have to save the Universe?"

Legolas stared at them for a long while.

  
Merry began to get uncomfortable. "Okay… so that answer is obvious. But what particular portions of it are we going to concentrate on saving."

"Mainly the gray parts." Legolas said.

"Uhm… alright…" Merry said. He paused for a long while. "How're we going to… you know… do that?"  
  
"By killing everything else?" Pippin suggested brightly.

"That sounds good to me." Legolas said, nodding his head vigorously.

Merry stared at the 'brain trust' forming in front of him. "Did… uh… Boromir hit you over the head or anything, Legolas?" He asked.

"Nope." Legolas said, with all the confidence of a huge rhino about to run an ant hill into the ground. "Though I DID throw a pinecone at him."

  
"Yes… well… okay…" Merry said slowly. "It's just that… Pippin and I… we're not so sure about this 'saving the universe' thing…"

"I don't know about you, Merry, but I'm dead set on making a difference in the world!" Pippin exclaimed, and broke into maniacal laughter.

Merry looked horrified. "Not you too!" He paused. "Excuse me." And walked over to hide in the bushes for awhile.

Out by the road, Legolas and Pippin continued to discuss saving the Universe.

Merry investigated the small neon orange button they had stolen from Boromir. "Now… this MUST have something to do with the way things are going right now…" He thought to himself. He turned it over and peered at it. He hit it up against a tree. He stomped on it. He bit it.

A small orange pixie appeared from the little button. "Do you MIND?" She asked, severely peeved. 

"Uh… sorry?" Merry offered.

"You'd better be! Now, what do you want, and where's my hunka-hunka-burnin'-man?" The Pixie asked, peering around Merry's shoulder.

"Boromir?" Was all Merry could say.

"YES, Boromir." The pixie said in annoyance.

"Well… he's not here right now. What do you do?" Merry asked.

The pixie looked incredibly upset, but decided to answer Merry. "I make everyone insane that's around me. Duh."

"So… why did Boromir have you in his pack?" Merry asked.

"So that everyone else would be insane and he wouldn't?" The pixie suggested, yawning.

"But… Boromir DID go insane… and none of the insaneness started until Legolas got hit on the head… and Pippin and I knew what we were looking for when we searched through Boromir's pack, and we still picked up you instead…" Merry began.

"Ssh!" The pixie exclaimed frantically. "Keep that up, and you'll close one of the plot holes! We pixies NEED THEM TO SURVIVE!"

"Plot holes?" Merry asked in confusion.

"Yes, plot holes, you stupid ugly smelly hairy Hobbit!" The pixie exclaimed. "Now… eeeeee!"

The pixie went flying into a nearby hole in the ground.

Merry peered into the dark hole, which slowly began to close. "THAT'S a plot hole! He exclaimed cheerfully, and walked out to join Legolas and Pippin.

Much to his dismay, they were still talking crazy-like.

"Perhaps I should have asked the Pixie to reverse her spell first…" He thought.

"Come on, Merry!" Pippin exclaimed, running over and tugging on his cousin's arm. "We have to go save the universe now!"

Legolas and Pippin ran off. With a deep sigh, Merry followed them.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: The last half probably evidence of why you should never write when in pain… 


	10. Loth-lor-i-en! I wanna stay at the Loth-...

****

Taunting Elves

Disclaimer: I think we've been over this before, haven't we? Macaca Maca Maca! Which means, in Dwarvish- I OWN NOTHING, SO IF YOU SUE ME, I CAN REVERSE THE CHARGES AND GET A LOT OF MONEY!

Or can I? Not being a lawyer, I wouldn't really know…

…but hey! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to a sudden and strange twist in the plot, we are suddenly in Lorien. 

But all is not well in the glorious kingdom of the High Elves. Because Celeborn and Thranduil have been bad. Very bad. And since Thranduil is never around when Galadriael wants to kill him, and traveling to Mirkwood was not an option, only Celeborn was in trouble. Lots of trouble.

Of course, amends were quickly made afterwards, but the Lothlorien Elves were still trying to clean up the ruin wrought by Galadriael's ring- when Thranduil sent yet another package.

Celeborn walked into the small royal chamber where Lady Galadriael sat. The Lady of the Woods was concentrating very hard on the task in front of her… which appeared to be threading a needle. "Damn fine-Elven-thread…" Galadriael muttered aloud.

"Can I come in?" Celeborn asked, as might a very young child who had recently been punished.

Galadriael turned, about to send Celeborn sailing through the roof (There was a hole recently put through it by much the same occurrence, so he wouldn't have been unduly harmed.) when she noticed her lord's face, hands, and front of his tunic was stained a very unnatural purple.

'So that was what the laughing was about…' Galadriael thought, and then said, louder, to her husband, "Thranduil, I take it?"

Celeborn nodded miserably, then grinned. "I sent him an exploding pie!"

Galadriael pursed her full lips, and said, disapprovingly, "Don't you think, dearest, that if you stopped sending pranks to Thranduil, he would stop sending them to you?"

"But Galadriael!" Celeborn whined. "He did it first!" He wrung his purple hands together. "He's so unfair!"

"Now, dearest, I'm sure Thranduil didn't know you were deathly allergic to raspberries…"

"I know he did! I just know!" Celeborn exclaimed. He buried his face in Galadriael's long, fragrant hair and proceeded to sob.

Galadriael was, for one long moment, taken aback. Then, she started patting Celeborn on the shoulder, as she had not yet mastered the art of hugging backwards. "Aw, it's okay, dearest. We can send Thranduil an enchanted poisoned apple later."

"Really?" Celeborn asked, pulling back in delight. A look of horror suddenly froze on his face, which was no longer quite as purple.

"Really, swee- what!" She exclaimed, staring at Celeborn, who looked as if he was transfixed at the end of an arrow. "Wait… your face isn't so purple any more…"

"It's a nice color on you, my love," Celeborn began, as he backed away.

Galadriael raced over to her mirror. Just as she had feared, her hair was now, at least where Celeborn's face had been, a disturbing color of purple.

She turned around, a dark, scary look on her face. 

But Celeborn was already gone.

"No fears, my love," Galadriael said with an evil laugh. "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!"

~~~~~~~~

Oboebyrd: Conclusive evidence, I think, of why you should never write 'while under the influence', if you get my drift. But it was funny at the time. ^_^ 


End file.
